My fiancee is working tonight, so I had to cook dinner by myself.  I let the water for the pasta boil too long and then tested a piece and almost choked!  Oh boy, I can’t do ANYTHING right without a man around!

You can have this free message pic that I yanked off the internet for free.  More awesome things should be free.  Like beer, cable tv, and healthcare.

To the lady sitting behind me at Starbucks who looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, “people on their laptops”…I feel the same way about you - i.e. “people with annoying children”.

I haven’t twitter stalked any celebs in a real long time, so here’s some celeb-tweet stuff I discovered this morning:

Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) and Marc Maron (@marcmaron) had a twit-fight on 11/21. Or maybe not.  It might’ve been a fake fight.  It’s unclear to me.  It wasn’t until I finished reading the (faux?) fight that I realized I was dumb for caring.

Diane Keaton (@Diane_Keaton) is real excited about her new Chico’s line of clothing.

Samuel L. Jackson’s (@SamuellJackson) tweets read like you’d expect.  Ellen Barkin’s (@EllenBarkin) do not.

James L. Brooks (@canyonjim) loves Homeland too.

Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) overuses ellipses to the point that I am left wondering how it is possible to have so many unfinished thoughts.

Billy Crystal (@BillyCrystal) has over 87,000 followers and follows one person.  His byline is, “You should know me by now.”  Gross.

Kiefer Sutherland’s (@RealKiefer) twitter page is a list of shout outs to fans who have asked him to say “hi”.  Nice.

Carrie Fisher (@CarrieFFisher) references Star Wars and George Lucas more than you’d expect.

I was real excited to see Michael Moore (@MMFlint) and Spike Lee (@SpikeLee) on twitter until I started reading their tweets.  Then I was bored.

John Cleese (@JohnCleese) refers to his followers as twats, twatters, and twaterers.

Steve Martin.  IS ON TWITTER.  @SteveMartinToGo.  I’m too dumb to get all of his jokes, but I try real hard. 

Tom Hanks (@tomhanks) is going thru a phase where he posts a new picture of his black and blue thumbnail every week.  A thumbnail of his thumbnail.  Get it?  Yeah, me too. (Still wish I had thought of it first, though.)

Michael Keaton (@MichaelKeaton) hasn’t tweeted since June.

Richard Lewis (@TheRichardLewis) and Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) tweets win for making me LOL.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s (@LeoDiCaprio) assistant must be writing his tweets.

Celebrity wife you should be following and who I’m pretty sure would hate being referred to as a celebrity wife:  Sarah Thyre (@Sarahthyre).

Okay.  I’m done.  I PROMISE TO NEVER DO THIS EVER AGAIN.  Or at least not for another six months.

Before you puke - that’s just chocolate in my sports bra.

Which means I put on work out clothes just to sit around and eat chocolate…

Now you may puke.

Warning for teenagers knocking on my door without costumes next year:

I’m fine with giving you candy.  But you absolutely must at least TRY to be festive. Dressing up as a teenager doesn’t count.  That doesn’t make you ironic, just dumb.  

Trader Joe’s Parking Lots

Come on, TJ’s.  You can figure out how to make beer taste like delicious pumpkins, but you can’t figure out how I can get my car in your lot without taking out side mirrors?

Zombies.  STOP KILLING PEOPLE ALREADY!  

Sick of skinny people complaining about being fat.  Also irritated by fat people complaining about being fat.  And yet, all I can seem to do today is eat OREO cookies and complain about being fat.